The Hardest Thing I've Ever Written

We had imagined our second baby sitting on our laps with Grady as we told them about Jesus. Instead, she will sit on Jesus’s lap as he tells her about Mommy, Daddy, and Brother. That’s pretty special.

Note: This post is PG-13.

The Facts

One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage. One in 160 pregnancies end in stillbirth. Sadly, the loss of a pregnancy is incredibly common, but the topic often gets swept under the rug. Women who experience a pregnancy loss are often left feeling alone, and worse, guilty. It is my hope that sharing my own experience with miscarriage can help others.

We're Pregnant!

I woke up on October 3rd and thought, “I think I’m pregnant!” I tried not to get excited. Jacob and I had been trying for months and each negative test was more difficult to accept than the previous.

By October 8th I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to take a test. I took it prior to my missed period and fully expected a negative result, so much so that I took it on my way out the door to work. When it came back positive I couldn’t believe it. I drank two water bottles on my way to work and took another test when I arrived to the office. Positive! I know that you can’t receive a false positive on a pregnancy test, but I almost didn’t believe it.

On my way home from work that day I made a few stops so I could surprise Jacob. I stocked our fridge with baby clothes, Dad's Root Beer, a dad squared shirt and a poem reading: "Could this mean pink? Could this mean blue? We're having a baby! YEP, that's two under two!" When he looked inside the fridge he almost didn't believe it!

We immediately started making plans… picking names, coming up with nursery ideas, and deciding a fun way to tell our families on Thanksgiving. My first appointment went well and all my levels looked great. We looked ahead to my eight-week appointment where we would have an ultrasound and see our baby for the first time.

The Process

I think most people believe a miscarriage to be a singular event; a woman bleeds for a few hours and then it’s over. For some, this actually is the case, but it certainly wasn’t for us. The physical process of our miscarriage took over a month.

On November 5th we went in for our first ultrasound. I knew right away something wasn’t right. “I’m just going to push a little harder,” said the ultrasound tech as she pushed the wand harder against my abdomen. “Is there a chance your due date is off?” My heart sank. “I’m not seeing a heartbeat. Stay here and I’ll have your provider take you directly back to your room.” In that moment I felt a cold, emptiness wash over me.

As soon as Jacob, Grady and I were in the room I started crying. The provider came in and told us there was a small chance that my due date was off, but it was more likely that we had lost the baby. I was supposed to be eight weeks and the baby was only measuring six weeks one day. My heart sank again; we had seen Grady’s heartbeat at six weeks. They told us to return in one week to make a final determination.

The week that followed was misery. Every time we turned on TV it was about someone being pregnant. Pregnant women flooded Target and the grocery store. Someone at church announced her pregnancy. I tried to keep it together.

I was stuck in this weird place of trying to remain hopeful and pray for a miracle, but also trying to accept the very real possibility that our baby had passed away. I was so devastated at the first ultrasound that I refused to allow myself feel that again.

On November 12th the doctor confirmed that our baby had not survived. I felt so confused. We had a room waiting for the baby in a safe home. We love each other deeply and the baby would have been raised in a home full of love. Grady was going to be an amazing, fun, sweet and compassionate big brother. And our baby would have been raised to love God. So why did our baby have to be taken away?

The doctors tried to console us by telling us that if our baby had survived, he or she likely would have Downs Syndrome. I love my babies no matter how many chromosomes they have.

The doctor gave us three options: a D&C, medication to initiate the miscarriage or wait it out. We decided to wait it out.

With not knowing what we should do next, we found ourselves getting coffee. We sat outside Dunkin Donuts slowly sipping our coffee and feeling confused. “I think I want to go shopping,” I told Jacob. “Really?” was Jacob’s response. I needed to take my mind off of everything. We went to Rodworks, Merchant Square and Hobby Lobby. Unfortunately, my plan somewhat backfired as I saw items that would have been cute in the nursery.

The next two weeks dragged by – I felt constantly reminded that my baby’s body was still inside me, but that I would never get to hold her in my arms. On November 26th I called the doctor to let her know I had not experienced the miscarriage and she prescribed me the medication to initiate it. (After a few weeks you have to choose the D&C or medication to avoid infection).

Monday night I took the medicine and right away could feel the cramping. Within a few hours I was in horrible pain. It felt like one LOOOOOONG contraction. I took some pain medication but it felt like it took hours to kick-in. Our sweet puppy could sense my pain and curled up on my stomach. His warm little body helped ease the pain.

I was in pain the whole next day and had to take a second dose Tuesday night. This time I took pain medication beforehand and it helped ease the pain, but I continued to have a horrible back ache. I kept waiting to experience what the doctor had described, but aside from the immense cramping, it never occurred. I knew the pills hadn’t worked.

On November 30th I went in for the follow-up ultrasound where they told me I would need a D&C surgery. They scheduled it for the following week.

My D & C was scheduled for December 5th. However, at the end of my work day on the 4th I started bleeding... a lot. My OBGYN told me to come in the following morning for an ultrasound to determine if I still needed surgery.

We left the house about 7am. Although it had been cold for a few weeks, this cold felt bitter. As soon as the ultrasound tech brought up the screen I knew surgery would still be necessary.

I was checked in at the hospital, got prepped and then waited, and waited, and waited. Even my doctor seemed antsy as she came over and checked on me a few times. I was starving. At this point it was after 1pm and I hadn't eaten since 10pm the night before. At one point I yelled out, "Okay guys, get me surgery or get me food!" Finally it was time to go back. Jacob gave me a kiss and we went our separate ways.

When we arrived in the operating room the doctors and nurses moved me over to the operating table and as they did so they asked me where I rather be. "The mountains." They laughed saying the last three patients had all said the same thing. I said, "Yeah, but I want to be in the mountains of Greer." They told me to start thinking about Greer... and I was out.

Nurse: Hi, you're just waking up from surgery, do you remember your name?

Me: Yes.

Nurse: <laughing> Want to tell it to me?

Me: Laura, L-A-U-R-A, Ann, A-N-N, Gallaher, G-A-L-LA-H-E-R

Nurse: What do you need Laura Ann Gallaher?

Me: Crackers

Nurse: What about some pain meds?

Me: Yes and crackers.

Nurse: Here's your crackers.

Me: <Looking at the bag with two dinky saltines> What's this?

As I was resting the nurse told me she would need to get the patient next to me comfortable, but to holler if I needed anything. When they first wheeled him into the curtained area next to me, I didn't think much about it. Then two armed policeman came and stood by him. As I glanced over I could see his feet... handcuffed together and then to the bed. All I could think was "I hope they have this under control because I can't really defend myself right now." Through listening, I came to find out he had stuck razor blades, forks, and paper clips in different spots throughout his body, including some VERY painful spots. I was so relieved when the nurse told me it was time to get ready to go home.

When we got home, Jacob immediately got me comfortable in our room. I slept for awhile while my mom dropped off Grady and Jacob gave him dinner and put him bed. We tried to watch Christopher Robin, but both dazed off.

The day after my D&C I was really sore and mostly wanted to sleep, but each day since I have felt an overall physical improvement.

Knowing What I Know Now

Knowing what I know now, I would have scheduled the D&C the moment the doctor confirmed the miscarriage. But, at the time, it felt weird to not try to let my body do it naturally. I think it is VERY important for each woman to voice how she would like to handle her miscarriage. It is very personal and VERY emotional. You must stand up for yourself and also give yourself grace.

Overcoming Grief

As I finalize this blog, I am one week post-op and physically, I'm doing much better, but emotionally... I'm still a mess. See, the thing about grief is, you never know when it is going to hit. One day while shopping in Target I thought, "Oh, I should check the maternity clearance."... I had to fight back the tears. AND when a friend announced her pregnancy, being due just three days before the due date for our sweet June Baby, well I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for a good half hour. I remember my cousin's wife asking me how I was doing. I told her, "When it rains it pours... and I'm drenched."

Overcoming the grief of losing our baby isn’t something I’ve quite figured out yet. I suppose I’ll grieve this loss for the rest of my life. However, there are a few things that helped…

For me, one thing that helps the grieving process is music. I always turn to music when I’m sad. I’ve listened to three songs on repeat:

1. Beam Me Up by Pink

2. My Name by George Cannon

3. Small Bump by Ed Sheeran

I’ve had a deep fear that my baby will be forgotten, so I purchased a June birthstone bracelet to remind me every day of my sweet June Baby. Not wanting June to be forgotten, also prompted me to write this blog. I debated back and forth whether or not I wanted to share this portion of my life. Ultimately, two things made me decide to write about it. The first, being that maybe something good will come from this whole experience. If another woman can find the peace, or the information, she is looking for through this post, then I’ve done my baby well. The second, this post will always be available for people to read and learn about my sweet baby.

My amazing friend Kelsey’s words were perhaps the most healing I received:

"Focus on one step at a time. When we hit trauma in our lives we tend to think about the future and how this event will transpire. You don’t have to. You just need to know what happens next. Sometimes, that is when the next doctor’s appointment is or how do we tell (or who do you tell) people. Sometimes it’s literally to just breath, pray and spend time healing. One step at a time."

Part of my grieving has been having to learn that this is not my fault. The first week I spent heavily blaming myself. Some women are able to have tests run on their baby to determine the cause of the loss, but we were not. Not knowing the cause of the miscarriage was very difficult for me, well honestly, it still is. I immediately blamed my Hashimoto's (thyroid) Disease. My OBGYN informed me that while Hashimoto's is attributed to infertility, it is not attributed to miscarriage. I started looking for other reasons... I had deli meat, I had some coffee, I drank the first few weeks before I knew I was pregnant, I slept on my stomach... I literally felt like the worst mama. Then, someone said, "What if you did absolutely nothing wrong?" That broke and healed me at the same time. It is hard to accept when something is completely out of our control, but it also wonderful to know that something horrible is not your fault.

Questions/Comments I’m Dreading

1. How many kids do you have?

As I've mentioned, a giant fear I’ve had is this baby being forgotten. In my mind I have two kids,

but what about follow-up questions?

Stranger: How many kids do you have?

Me: Two.

Stranger: Oh boys or girls?

Me: One boy and I’m not sure…

Stranger: Oh congrats!

Me: No, not like that.

Stranger: <Insert silence.>

Do I take another route? "I have one baby on earth and one in heaven.” That seems like

an instant downer.

Some people may encourage me to just mention Grady, but I wouldn’t be able to stand

that.

Maybe I’ll just pretend that I didn’t hear people when they ask. If anyone has advice on how to field this question, PLEASE send it my way.

2. Well, you can try again in a few weeks.

Umm… I think you missed what happened. I had a baby and he/she died. I’m grieving the loss of a child. This isn’t about replacing the baby.

3. I guess this really isn't a comment, but the type of miscarriage I went through is called a "missed

abortion" that will forever be upsetting to me. Knowing that I'll have to see that on my medical

forms/charts for the rest of my life rattles me to the bone.

The Forgotten Father

Friends, I encourage you not to forget that the father is also grieving the loss of his child. People tend to focus on the woman and how she’s handling everything. While she is going through it physically, both are going through it emotionally. Men are expected to stay strong, to take care of the woman, but they need support too.

If you know a couple who is going through a miscarriage, please be certain to check in on the father too. Remember, he is also grieving and while he may not be experiencing it physically, he is having to watch his wife go through it and as Jacob put it, "It's like getting punched in the gut twice" (one for the loss of the baby and one for helplessly watching your wife endure literal hell).

It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,

Since “men don’t cry”

And “men are strong”

No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult

To stand up to the test,

And field the calls and visitors

So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she’s alright

And what she’s going through.

But seldom take his hand and ask,

“My friend, but how are you?”

He hears here crying in the night

And thinks his heart will break.

He dries her tears and comforts her,

But “stays strong” for her sake.

It must be very difficult

To start each day anew.

And try to be so very brave

He lost his baby too.

Eileen Knight Hagemeister

Supporting Friends and Family Through a Miscarriage

Going through a miscarriage is a very strange experience. People understand you're grieving, but unless they've also been through it, they don't understand your grief. It became painfully obvious that not many people knew what to do or say.

When you lose a grandparent everyone knows what to do - they talk about what a great person they were, they send you a card, they send you flowers, they talk about when they went through it. When you lose a baby... people get awkward.

I had people try to comfort me in the strangest ways. I actually wanted to yell at one person, "STOP TALKING! You're making it worse!"

So what do you say?

To me the most meaningful was when people let us know that they cared about us, that they cared about Grady, and they cared about our June Baby. I appreciated the people who acknowledged the very real loss of a child we were experiencing.

It's okay to let people know that you don't know what to say. But I do encourage you to remind them that you love them and that they are NOT alone.

I am incredibly thankful for the friends who checked in with me regularly to make certain we were okay, to the friends who brought us meals, to everyone who helped with Grady, to those who sent cards, and those who came to just be with us in this difficult time. I am incredibly thankful to everyone who showed us love and grace. We certainly learned who the people we can count on through anything are. I think it was Oprah who said, "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."

Personal Support:

Friends, if you are grieving the loss of your baby, there are many resources:

1. https://www.sayinggoodbye.org/

2. http://nationalshare.org/

Everyone is also welcome to contact me: 88LauraAnn@gmail.com

This post is dedicated to our beloved June Baby who was due June 17, 2019.

#miscarriage #pregnancy #loss #pregnancyloss #DC #baby